I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
