Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
