new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
