"it" just moved
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
