Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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