I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
