Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
