it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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