Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You dont lie about slip and slides
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
