Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
