I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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