I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
