Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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