I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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