and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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