We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
