I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
