Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize