It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
