I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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