I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize