i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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