found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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