i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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