$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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