Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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