Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
