I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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