Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
