i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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