i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
