If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
