I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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