apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
