Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
