I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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