I think my fart just growled at me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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