He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My vagina is officially offended.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
