Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
