I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
