Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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