It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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