News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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