oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
