did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize