the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
