Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
