My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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