I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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