We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize