is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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