If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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