i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
