Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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