Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
