the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
