we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
