I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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