Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
