ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
