I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
