Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
