There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
