Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I will pee on everything he values.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
